Grit and grin

Our posts cover very little of the day-to-day things.  Here is what happened today (Thursday, 8/30):

We are in a rush to accomplish things because most of the items that required waiting are now complete.  Yesterday we were informed of the schedule for today, but it all changed over and over as the day progressed, so we were just along for the ride.  When our facilitator is checking items off of a list, this is often how it goes.  Nothing bureaucratic is quite predictable, so everything must be flexible.  Having two facilitators processing things with two families simultaneously makes it even more lively!


Ben and I were not supposed to have anything that we needed to do until early afternoon.  However, we got a call  that Ben and our neighbor adoption dad needed to leave at 11 with Alyona to request new numbers (like social security numbers) for all of our children.

The other mom and I had lunch, and then were planning on running some errands, when we got a call that Olga was ready for us at a bank that held social funds for our children.  (I am not entirely clear on this, but my limited understanding is that all Ukrainian orphans receive a bank account with a sum of money that will be given to them at some point in the future to help them to establish their lives.  It is traditional, at least with many, that when an orphan is adopted, the money is donated to the orphanage to help others).

Alyona had called for a taxi to pick the moms up and our husbands would meet us at the bank.  You never know what kind of a driver you are getting until you are on the road. This was a very nice young man who spoke very good English because he served many years with the foreign marines. However, he drove FAST, FAST, FAST!!!!!!!  And the car was very hot.  We learned a lot about Odessa and Ukraine from talking with him, but we came away a little on edge and very sweaty.


At the bank we did lots of waiting and signing papers with Olga, and then all five of us (plus a driver) squeezed into another car and rode to the orphanage to deliver the money.   We were supposed to meet with the director, but she was delayed, and so we sat outside and waited and waited.  Because we expected her at any moment, we couldn't work on anything else.  At this point I was feeling a little bit nervous, not to mention hungry and hot.  The dads were in a worse spot because they hadn't had lunch!  (Thankfully I had some nuts and some water.).   I could see that our time had bled into the time that we were supposed to pick up the children for passport photos, and we were going to meet up with them without having any snacks or treats or supplies to keep them occupied in a beaurocratic building.  Any opportunity to get supplies had been taken up with waiting, and now we were ill-prepared.  We should have expected it, and carried anything we thought we might have needed for the whole day the minute we stepped out the door, but the schedule had turned upside down on us.

The director was very grateful for the funds. She told us that the bulk of what we see and what the children experience is because of donations. We felt so happy to be able to help her in her great work!  She is doing incredible things with the children and has been a tremendous blessing in our daughter's life.  Hurray for having more ways to help!

Suddenly the dads got called away again to go pick up the papers verifying the new SS numbers.  They promised to meet us at the necessary time at the passport office.  The children came out, all dressed up, and wondered where their Papas were!  This was the very first time they had just Mamas without Papas!  And why didn't we have toys or candy or anything that we usually did?

Anatolia was so excited, she didn't know what to do with herself. So when she came close to me, and I got down on her level and gave her a hug, she ripped my glasses from my face and threw them on the ground.  She likes to do this when she is bored or wants some extra attention.  I have spoken to her about it, Ben has, and even various people at the orphanage have, but it still seems to be a go-to from time to time.  We keep trying to teach her that my glasses aren't for touching, but haven't gotten through yet.  My infant children learned this so much faster, but orphanage-born infancy is a different experience.

We ran around for a bit in the orphanage yard and then got into a car, two Mamas, three children, and the orphanage lawyer, to drive 20 minutes to the passport office.  I don't think the children have traveled much in a car, if ever.  They have gone with their group in buses, but this was just a sedan. It was a new experience!

Before we left,  Olga gave Anatolia her phone to play with.  She gave one of the other children her other phone and had them call and talk to each other as they were walking around the orphanage yard.  Although it was cute, this made me really nervous because Anatolia often throws things.  I tried to explain this to Olga, but she felt it would be fine.  And it was.  No throwing.  However, when it was time to get into the car I tried to give the phone back but Anatolia started to cry and Olga said, "Let it be" and gave it back.

This made me pretty frustrated.  I didn't feel like it was a good idea for us to have real, working phone that belonged to someone else.  Anatolia didnt know how to use it, but liked to push buttons and was taking a lot of accidental photos and doing who knows what else.  I tried to take it and give it to the orphanage lawyer who was driving in the front seat, but when Anatolia cried, she gave the phone back.  This was crazy!  Everyone seemed like they couldn't handle a child crying when she didn't have what she wanted!  When the phone actually rang, I handed it to the lawyer and told her to please keep it.  After the phone call, the lawyer half-turned  in her seat and began to speak very animatedly with Anatolia, trying to calm her tears with what sounded like bribes.  Anatolia didn't want to hear any of it and just kept sobbing for her phone or some candy.  (I already mentioned our lack of  supplies, right?)  At one point, the lawyer asked me, "Do you want to stop and buy a toy phone for her?"

I wanted to holler, "No!  If everyone will just stop talking about it and trying to fix something that doesn't need fixing, Anatolia will get over it and have a pleasant car ride!"  I knew that she is a very determined girl and that it might take her a bit to decide to drop the matter, but I also knew that she likes to be happy, so her tears probably wouldn't last long.  Plus, we already had a toy phone for her.  It was just at our apartment!

Sure enough, eventually Anatolia realized  that there were more interesting things to do besides cry and ask for the phone or some candy, and she began to have fun.  It probably helped that we were singing songs, that the two brothers weren't crying, and that the whole car ride was a novel experience.  I also remembered a part of my lunch that was in my bag, a tomato and cucumber salad, and everyone ate a bunch of that.  However, I got to the passport photo place a little on edge.

The whole telephone experience epitomized for me what it is like trying to build a relationship with a child while she is still under the care of the orphanage. All of our play is somewhat stunted by the fact that we are in an orphanage yard and being watched carefully by orphanage staff.  They don't mean to be unkind, but their ideas of play differ from ours sometimes, and it makes for some tense moments.

The passport office waiting room was perfect fodder for more of the above.  Again, we hadn't anything to keep the children occupied but ourselves, so Ben and I taught Anatolia to play thumb wars, elaborate peek-a-boo, and other fun things.  But we were probably too noisy, because the lawyer came over a number of times and spoke to Anatolia very sternly. I believe that she is a really caring and wonderful person.  However, I don't think that Ben and I play like Ukrainian parents do,
and our play was necessarily more loud because of the communication barrier.  I do know that we were VERY occupied in keeping Anatolia sitting on our laps and not running off and trying to playfully, and usually impolitely, engage other people in her play.  Finally Olga came over and said, "Let me take her for a walk outside and give you a break."  Ben and I said okay but then looked at each other, wondering if we looked like we were doing so poorly in parenting our child.  Perhaps I was extra sensitive.  I know that had she grown up with me, Anatolia and I would have had a very different waiting room experience.  But she did not, and this was the very first time she had ever had such an adventure.  Everything was new!

My glasses hit the ground two more times that day.  They have luckily held together.  They have a few more scratches than before, but are doing okay.  I suppose if that is the least we have to worry about, it is alright.  Perhaps I will not wear my glasses some of the time when we are necessarily in close quarters (like our upcoming plane ride) and deal with the dull headache that creates.  I really don't want contact lenses, but maybe I need to consider them.  I cannot hope to succeed by being inflexible.  How different it is when you are learning to parent a child who has already spent five years formulating behaviors that you haven't been a part of!  I suppose the whole thing was a new experience for me, too!

It left me feeling very scared about the future.  But I keep being reminded by the Spirit that our Father in Heaven does not expect or even want me to be capable of managing all of this on my own.  He wants me to reach out to Him in every moment.  So I am reaching out to him in my fears and remembering the promises that He has made to me that this is His plan and that is is going to be good.